Out of Focus by L.B. Simmons
on February 19, 2016
Genres: Abuse, Contemporary Romance, Romance, Sociology
Amazon • Goodreads
*** Upper New Adult Spinoff Standalone to the USA Today Bestselling Novel, Under the Influence***
“Shhhh, Cassandra, it’s our little secret.”
Secrets are stubborn things when they refuse to remain hidden. They tear through your soul, clawing and lashing until the pain becomes so unbearable, you’re left no choice but to silently scream your agony. No one hears you, of course. You smile on the outside and drift through life as though your mind is at peace, but all the while, you remain your own tortured prisoner. Sealed inside the darkened, soundproof room of your conscience, deafening cries echo as you plead for someone to unlock the door and release you from your nightmares. And eventually, when no one comes, you find ways to cope. To dull the suffering the only way you know how.
But what happens when you’ve become so numb, when everything around you has become so blurred, that you begin to lose focus on the saving grace standing directly in front of you? When you’ve anesthetized yourself to the point of losing consciousness, forced to watch as his once solid image fades away, lost to your reach in the haze as it smothers you?
What do you do then?
You fight. You heal. Then you bring him back.
Well, my name is Cassie Cooper, and it’s time.
No more secrets.
This is my story.
***WARNING - The subject matter of this novel centers around the psychological effects due to sexual abuse experienced during childhood. For this reason, as well as sexual situations, language, and adult themes, suggested reading age is 17+.***(less)
I love every single piece of you, broken or not.
Out of Focus is so beautifully written, I’m sure I cried throughout the entire story. L.B. Simmons books are always so emotional and once you tap in it, it’s very hard to tap back out. Cassie’s story is no different. I wasn’t sure what to expect from her after meeting in Under the Influence. She was bold, feisty, a tad crazy and she genuinely loves her best friend Spencer. For all that brashness there’s a very scared, sad little girl. Cassie has been living in a spiral of self deprecation for a very long time. Wallowing in self hatred and convinced she deserves it.
Ms. Simmons took a deplorable topic, giving it hope, and setting it free. I can only imagine how incredibly difficult it was to write. These words had to be handled with such care and yet as brutal as it was, it also amazed me with its beauty. You have to dig deep, you have to open yourself up, you have to feel with this one. The author delivers all the feels and then some. There is no tying it up in a pretty package. This is the harsh, in your face truth than too many have had to endure.
Grady, eye candy on paper that he was, played Cassie’s salvation. Walking into her life, timing unpredictable, turning her tables around, forcing her to live. She bucked much like a wild horse would. But you can’t really blame her. You just need to understand her. For whatever reason people come into our lives leaving little imprints in our psyche. Unbeknownst to us, guiding us in whatever direction, that’s Grady and Cassie needed him. Self forgiveness is hard.
Cassies’ journey isn’t easy. The world was ugly to her. I’m sure when you’re finished reading your emotions will be just as strong as mine were. I think I felt every array, from happiness to love to anger and back again. There is something really special about L.B. Simmons’ writing style. Whenever I read her books, I feel like she’s telling me a secret. It’s so good she can’t tell everyone, so she has to get really close. She has to tell you very quietly so you can only focus on her words, the inflections, the meaning. And when she pulls away you really want to tell the world. I don’t know how else to describe it.
Thank you for sharing Cassie’s secrets with me.
…you may be falling, but remember, it’s the landing that counts.
*A copy of this book was kindly provided by the author in exchange for an honest review*
Only twenty-three years old, and I’m so goddamn tired.
I used to be so much stronger. I somehow kept the voices at bay, the memories locked away safely, contained within the confines of my mind. But with each passing day, I feel the glow of my once-luminous strength fading. Darkness encases me now, bowing the walls of protection I put into place years ago. My past is an ever-present nightmare, repeatedly tapping, slowly fracturing the window of my sanity.
I have no doubt that it’s only a matter of time before the glass finally breaks. Blackness will eventually seep through its cracks and deliver me from the safety of my façade into a reality that will destroy me.
I’ve done my part. I’ve kept the secrets thrust upon me with dedicated believability. My portrayal of who I am has become a blurred, hazy version of the once very distinct Cassie Cooper.
I read an ungodly amount of trashy romance novels.
I’m the overtly sexual and foul-mouthed friend who will say anything to get a laugh.
And I have exactly zero fucks to give to what anyone else thinks about my actions.
But the reality, the actuality, is this:
I read obsessively to escape my own world. To live the dreams of others when, for so long, the reoccurrence of my nightmares has been my reality. I read to fall in love and find a happily ever after, even if it is purely imagined. With each story I read, I’m able to live and love vicariously through the characters in my books. It’s the only plausible way for me to survive.
I threw away my virginity at the age of thirteen just to prove something. And when I found that proof, that vindication I was looking for, I sought it every chance I could. Sex is about control for me. Nothing more. The act will never be about making love, like it is for the heroines in my books. I will never be granted the beauty of that gift.
I use humor as a form of avoidance. I draw upon laughter to block the pain. And I smile to mask the agony of the eight-year-old soul who weeps within me.
And the fucks . . . well, that’s not entirely accurate either.
I have given two to be exact: One to my best friend of seventeen years. She knows nothing of my past, and although she so willingly disclosed the horrors of hers, mine remains hidden for no other reason than to avoid the pity she would undoubtedly cast my way if I were to ever tell her. I don’t want her pity. I would sooner die than have her look at me in any other way than with pride.
The other died with the person to whom it was given. Anthony “Rat” Marchione. He was my one allowance of naïveté. The one person I actually wanted to touch me, to hold me, to love me. He was going to rescue me from my brokenness as though I were a character in one of my books. Young and senseless, I thought he was to be my eventual happily ever after, but tragically, he was murdered five years ago.
Black coldness waits in vain to leech the void where his once beautiful existence filled the pieces of my irrevocably shattered heart. Where he temporarily healed the hurt of the innocent child and quieted the voices that tormented her.
He’s gone now. I’ve accepted that. And in turn, I have relinquished all dreams associated with finding the light at the end of this miserable tunnel.
I will keep trudging through this life . . . this sentence handed to me for someone else’s crime, my payment shackled by secrets and weighted with lies. I will continue to do so with the same fraudulent smile on my lips and play the part of the strong heroine so convincingly, that even I believe it.
It’s only a matter of time before my fictional strength wears out—when I’m no longer hidden safely inside my protective blur—and I have to face the very real and lucid image of my past.
But until that time comes, I’ll do all I can do.
All I have ever done.
I will pretend.